Learning to use the toilet independently is a meaningful milestone for toddlers, giving them a deeply personal way to experience their autonomy and the ability to meet their own needs.
We often refer to this season as “potty training,” but in Montessori, we call it “toilet learning.”
This might seem like a matter of semantics, but we do it on purpose. After all, a child must learn many things on their journey to toilet independence. “Toilet learning” is a phrase that encompasses all of those skills and gives the process the dignity it deserves.
What is toilet learning?
Toilet learning is an active process where kids build awareness of their needs, as well as the skills to meet those needs. It grants them both ownership and responsibility — and it’s hard work for toddlers!
They’re developing:
- Gross motor skills (dressing and undressing, going from standing to sitting and back to standing again, etc.)
- Fine motor skills (grasping clothes, undoing buttons/zippers/clasps, getting toilet paper, etc.)
- Self-awareness (recognizing that they have needs to be met)
- Communication (vocalizing their needs to us)
- The capacity to follow a series of steps (which requires focus, self-control, and projection of the future)
The goal of toilet learning is not to train your child to perform unconscious behaviors or coax them into doing what you want. Rather, it’s about creating an environment that supports them in mastering these skills, gaining confidence, and building independence.
And that’s why toilet learning is a crucial part of the Montessori curriculum, treated with the same dignity and care as learning to read, write, or do math.
Think about it like this: we don’t get mad if a child can walk one day and not the next. We don’t award candy or stickers to encourage them to learn a new word. Instead, we let them have lots of practice, and we continuously think of ways to inspire and support them.
The same should be true for toilet learning.
How to practice toilet learning at home
Unlike potty training, toilet learning can begin at birth — right from the first diaper changes. (We know it sounds far-fetched, but stay with us!)
Here’s how:
Nappy changes
It’s easy for nappy changes to feel like chores. We want to hurry up and get back to the good stuff, like playing, eating, and bonding with our babies.
But for babies, real life is the good stuff. Nappy changes have the potential to be a precious time of bonding between parent and child, a time to build rich language and make logical connections, and a time for the child to start to feel increasingly capable.
From the very beginning, then, we recommend two strategies:
- Narrate everything you do with real, natural language
- Allow your child to participate at their level of ability
Perhaps you say, “I’m going to undo the snaps of your onesie now,” or “I’m going to pull the tabs of your nappy— left, then right.”
Of course, they might not understand this in the beginning (though a child understands language far earlier than they can produce it and we can’t predict when that moment of understanding will come), but that’s not the point.
The point is to provide the vocabulary that your child will learn over time, to become more intentional and slow so they can make the connection between our words and our actions, and to make this activity about sharing together, not just about getting a chore done.
Then, as your child becomes increasingly capable, you can let them take over more and more of the process. Because you’ve used consistent language and routines, you’ll be surprised how early they’re aware of what comes next and their eagerness to participate.
For example, once your baby can grasp, hold on to, and let go of items intentionally, you can let them practice these skills during nappy changes, like letting them hold a clean diaper before handing it to you, or dropping a dirty nappy in the bin.
This may seem like a small thing, but to them, it’s an important exercise in independence.
Once your child can sit up comfortably with minimal support, we recommend adding a routine of sitting on the toilet during every nappy change. There doesn’t have to be an expectation that anything happens, but this routine encourages your baby to make the connection between the toilet and their bodily functions long before they reach the stage of “No!”
After that, it’s time for…
Stand-up nappying
We recommend starting stand-up nappying once your child can stand comfortably while holding onto something for support. A low mirror with handles to hold onto is ideal.
Instead of asking your child to lie still, asking them to stand empowers them to be a collaborator. It also enables them to better observe what’s happening and make the connection between what they see and what they feel.
This steady progression makes way for the switch to daytime underwear:
Daytime underwear
Once your child has mastered stand-up diapering, has shown interest in the toilet, and has mastered some elements of the process, you can safely make the switch to daytime underwear.
To do this, invite your child to use the bathroom every hour, including any time you know they usually need to go (like after naps or other big transitions). Try to keep communication calm and matter-of-fact.
Of course, if you notice your child moving around more than usual, you can point out that this is their body’s way of telling them to use the bathroom.
Accidents will still happen, yes, but these are opportunities to observe your child and communicate to them what they need to do differently next time. Remain matter-of-fact as you explain what happened and what can be done in the future to avoid creating any shame around the accident.
Toilet learning best practices
Like all aspects of the Montessori curriculum, toilet learning requires a properly prepared environment. At home, this might look like:
- A potty chair (so they can easily access the toilet at their level)
- A small stool (so they can access the sink independently)
- A faucet extender (so they can easily reach the water to wash their hands)
- Soap, a hand towel, and a mirror (all at a level where they can be used independently)
For environments outside the house that aren’t as well-equipped, you can keep a foldable travel toilet, bags for dirty laundry, and a well-stocked nappy bag on hand.
It’s also helpful to have your child wear simple, elastic pants or shorts — nothing with buttons or zippers. Even skirts and dresses can be trickier than pants… and wind up dipped in the toilet.
As far as timing goes, try to make the most of natural transition points by offering opportunities to sit on the toilet after meals and naps and before leaving the house. This will allow your child to make connections, build awareness, and develop skills while avoiding the power struggles that occur when a child has to stop playing to go to the bathroom.
This is also where kind, yet firm limits come into play. You might say something like, “I know you don’t want to stop playing right now, but it’s time to go to the bathroom.” Then, when you get there, you can call your child’s attention to something else, like their face in the mirror or the opportunity to turn on the light.
On the other hand, if power struggles are a regular occurrence, offer your child choices to make the transition less stark. You might ask:
- “Would you like to choose one toy to bring to the bathroom with you?”
- “Do you want to use the upstairs bathroom or the downstairs bathroom?”
- “Do you want to wear the yellow underwear or the green underwear?”
Questions like these help children feel in control, which gives them more confidence and makes them far more accepting of the situation.
It’s also important to be consistent with routines. For instance, don’t return to nappies once you switch to underwear. This helps your child adjust more quickly to how things work now.
Article Source: https://theparentingguide.substack.com/p/do-this-instead-of-potty-training
